While the beach goes on.

The first two lines are a piece of a poem I wrote in high school

Confusion washes over me
like waves across the sand.....

You could use these lines to refer to a wide host of emotions. Confusion, rejection, fear.. Any emotion at all, the point is to realize emotions should be like waves across the sand. They tumble the sand around, polishing it, buffing the edges, relocating it, but never changing the core elements of the sand; and never diminishing the beach.

We need to be like those grains of sand, letting the negative emotional waves crash over us letting them move us and polish our natures; without letting them destroy or diminish us. Yes, they move us, yes they change us, but the beach goes on.

The rocks stand steadfast against the waves refusing to be moved by the emotional tides around them, refusing to acknowledge them. But bit by bit, those rocks are worn down to nothing by the waves they ignore.

While the beach goes on.

Post appendix one year report

A year ago I canceled game night because Thomas had a stomach flu... Only it was his appendix, which ruptured and tried to kill him. 3 days in the icu on a ventilator, 3" of bowel removed, 3 weeks in the hospital, and 3 months at home. Haha that's funny. Anyway... At the one year mark, we have a vicious cold running rampant and 6 of us are sick...contagious much? And Tom sees the orthopedist today....and paranoid much too... It's also 7 months since dad died and a month since I flooded the house.... Today is going to be a great day!!!

I WANT MY MEOW BACK!!!!

That is all.

Forgiveness and Repentance

First of all I would tell you not to take advice too seriously from people who don't have to live with the consequences. You are the one living your life, you are the one who knows whats really up. No one else looking in really knows.

Second, this 9/11 a lot of people posted D&C 64:9-11 which was revealed on september 11 way back when... weird and creepy, and a scripture I have struggled with for years. here it is..

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.


The logic for me went for years that if I forgive, then I turn the other cheek and go back into a situation that in all honesty was horrific. I recently found a letter I'd written while I was pregnant with Tanner describing something that happened while I was pregnant with Taylor and I was amazed and mortified that I stayed for years after the incident in the letter. But we are commanded to forgive, so I forgave. And if you forgive, how do you not go back into the relationship and give them another chance? Isn't that what we are commanded to do?????? People still ask why I stayed as long as I did, because I forgave is the honest answer. I usually say smartmouthed, cause I was stupid. or something.. anyway...

When people posted that scripture this 9/11 I went and read it again, and this time I saw D&C 64:12-14

12 And him that repenteth not of his sins, and confesseth them not, ye shall bring before the church, and do with him as the scripture saith unto you, either by commandment or by revelation.

13 And this ye shall do that God may be glorified—not because ye forgive not, having not compassion, but that ye may be justified in the eyes of the law, that ye may not offend him who is your lawgiver—

14 Verily I say, for this cause ye shall do these things.

It was eye opening for me. It is not unforgiving to allow people to suffer the consequences of their actions. Forgiveness from us is not absolution of their actions, and it does not mean we have to walk back into the lions den, hoping this time they don't eat us.

Forgiveness means removing the anger from OUR hearts. Not accepting that what they did was not wrong. Because accepting what they did as not wrong is an insult to GOD. But we do have to let go of the hurt and anger. This blew me away. I'm not a bad person, without forgiveness in my heart, I did something right!!

The other thing that has made a difference for me, is understanding what repentance means. For much of my life, I felt repentance was guilt, was feeling bad enough about what I had done wrong that I had paid the price, that is not what Jesus wants for us. He pays the price, and trying to pay it ourselves is just wrong. We are asked to have a change of heart, that is what true repentance is. 

Many many many times I was asked for my forgiveness and he swore he'd never do x, y, z again, but he wasn't willing to undertake the real steps needed to change those behaviors. He was not willing, or perhaps able, to change his heart. And I forgive him for that. I refuse to hold that anger and hurt in my heart. 

Does that mean I think what he did was right? oh heck no. But it does mean that I did the right thing in moving on with my life.

One Grain of Sand

A mountain is built one rock at a time.... A beach starts with a lone grain of sand.... An ocean with a single drop of water... A journey is completed one step at a time.... You cannot move mountains, beaches, oceans or people without taking the first step. The things I do may seem small and insignificant, But they are my rocks, My grains of sand, My drops of water My steps. I cannot pick up the whole mountain, but I can carry a rock. If I can't carry a rock today, I can carry a grain of sand. If a grain of sand is all I manage to carry, well, then that is good enough for today! Tomorrow I'll carry 2 grains of sand! I will move, build and travel as far as the stars, One step at a time.

Rage

My rage at life is huge right now. I'm so incredibly angry about the hands being dealt the people I love, and selfishly me too.

The crapstorm started last September when Thomas got appendicitis. 3 days in the icu 3 Weeks in the hospital. My husband humevacced off the submarine. Wondering every day what the new stress was going to be.

While Thomas was in the hospital a beloved friend discovered her husband had been molesting their oldest daughter how do you help that hurt?

Then when Thomas got home I was asked to resign from the volunteer position I loved, by someone I thought was my friend. It hurt. A lot. I isolated myself out of shame and hurt and fear, though I still feel it was unjust.

Then Thomas got mrsa, and Talon started having cognitive delays at school. The mrsa ended up being no big deal, and the iep meeting for Talon is next week... And I started school and was fighting through it, learning, making friends etc.

Then my dad died. The victim of medication induced suicide. And I felt like the ground had been ripped out from under my feet. Worse than when Theron (my son) Died. At least when Theron died I had dad. Now I worry about mom, and my siblings and my kids and me. I have rage from things other people said at the funeral, I have rage about things said after the funeral.

Then the petty stuff started...Tom's computer crashed. Taylor's car broke down. Tom went to sea. The cat has thyroid issues. The dog tore her acl. Taylor got a speeding ticket. The kids laptops broke. And I can't seem to do laundry, or dishes, or anything....& my kids won't even pick up after themselves.

But it's all petty, and I can't change what stupid heartless people said, I can't bring my dad back.

Then On Friday a very close friend was told she has a demyelination disorder. I'm terrified, and angry, because I love her. She's the kind of person I wish I was more like. Selfless and caring. And it leaves me with so much rage. I'm might just be at the end of my rope... Time to start weaving a new one...but all I want is to sleep...