Babies babies everywhere but not a one for me.

they say to have a child is to forever have your heart walking around outside. so how do you get past losing one. every summer for 8 years now I've had to let my older boys go to NM and it hurt. every year I cried for a few days ate some ice cream and pouted till they got back. but Theron's return flight hasn't been scheduled cause "No man knows the day" and I hate waiting. I WANT MY BABY BACK NOW! Yup, we can schedule the 2nd coming for this weekend, heck tomorrow's ok too. I wonder if he'd be walking by now? is he a serious soul? or a happy giggly spaz? what will his laugh be like? 9 months to gestate a baby was hard enough but this total lack of deadline is very frustrating. I work better with a deadline.

everywhere I go lately there are babies.... and they make me sad or something... angry? hurt? am I broken? I accept that this is my new reality. but dangitall I feel crippled. must heal.

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Baby stepping

so... I'm giving flylady another go... in the health and fitness venue as well. It's all just "body clutter" and i can baby step it away. this sounds like fun. my goals... fuel: salad for lunch. movement: go for a walk at 6 am ... i really want this. but is that too high of a goal? attitude: spend time listening/reading gospel literature... i discovered my general conference application gives me the option to listen to or read conference. if i do this while I'm walking... sounds great! my own early morning seminary. i want to believe in me. it takes 9 months to make a new person. i will give myself those nine months.

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Normality?

the kids well, 4 of them, are back in school. the rental house is taken care of. this is it now. time to live in the moment, time to live my dreams, time to go grocery shopping and unpack and organize and get ready to go camping this weekend and oh my Tanner forgot his cleats.do I drive them to his school or do I teach him a lessons? yes the chaos never leaves. but this is MY LIFE and MY SPACE and I will leave my mark! ..

small incremental goals are more readily achieved. today I will get food and birthday presents. :-)

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